The Lockhart Chronicles
by Oracle and Tulip
Summary: Oracle and Tulip have joined together to present you...the much hated Gildroy Lockhart staring in a humor fic! Learn of how he over comes his memory charm. Even more important HE HAS HIS OWN LINE OF HAIR CARE PRODUCTS! Including his own store! Meet Gildro


A/N: Woo- hoo! Oracle and Tulip have finally written a fic together! BEWARE: chills, spills, and nightmares lie ahead! A fic dedicated to the much hated Gildroy Lockhart. What more is there to say, but enjoy!  
Disclaimer: We do not own any of the trade marked material in this fanfiction. We make no money out of this. If you would like to use any of the own characters in this fic, please email us at oracleandtulip@hotmail.com, thank you.   
  
The Lockhart Chronicles  
by Oracle and Tulip  
"Ahhh," Lockhart sighed. "This is the life." He yawned lazily as the masseuse massaged his shoulders. "Marilyn, I must come here more often; this is fantabulous!" Marilyn giggled, "Of course Mr. Lockhart. We love having you here," she said as she rubbed his back for the last time. "Your bill and clothes are in the dressing room." "Thank you, Marilyn." Marilyn smiled and closed the door. Lockhart slowly got up and sat down. He sniffled, and let out a big sneeze. "Blast! Forgot that allergy potion again!" He got up, cracked his fingers, and closed the window. He walked to the dressing room and got dressed, he then filled out the bill and left a tip of two sickles. He passed by the front desk, where another squat witch smiled, and then he walked out through the large French doors. As Gildroy walked past all of the shops along Hurlwhust Alley his many admirers stopped him to say hello. He stopped at the intersection of Corbus and Hurlwhust, reached into his pocket and took out his lavender, suede calendar. "Hmmm...What am I doing today?" He thought out loud as he fumbled with the pages. "Oh that's right, I have to check on Antonio." He made a sharp left on Corbus and made another left. Now he was on Honeybult Street. He looked at the first large shop on the right. "Gildroy, how do you do it?" He asked himself. Every time he came to Gildroy's Hair Care Galore to check on Antonio he was amazed at his own ingeniousness. "How did I think of such a thing!" It had always been his dream to spread his vast knowledge of hair care. Now, he had trained an ecstatic youngster, Antonio, to be an official "Hair Care Specialist" at his new shop, Gildroy's Hair Care Galore.  
As Gildroy stared in awe at the forget-me-not blue swirls that spelled out the words "Gildroy's Hair Care Galore" a tall, shiny black haired boy ran towards him from the double doors.   
"Mr. Lockhart! Mr. Lockhart!"  
Gildroy reluctantly peeled his eyes off of the building. "Ah, Antonio! How's the business doing, son?"  
Antonio was a little confused. Wasn't he supposed to ask how he was? "I'm doing swell, Mr. Lockhart, sir."  
"Forget you. How's the business doing?" Gildroy asked again, not at all angrily.  
"Er... well the business is great. The customers are very pleased."  
"Good." Gildroy said and looked back at the building.  
"Mr. Lockhart, why don't you come in. I think you'll like what you see."  
"Ok." He replied, hardly listening.  
My god! Antonio thought to himself. Every time he sees this building, he gets into a trance. It is an admirable, well... extravagantly admirable building, but each time he comes to check on me, his expression looks as if it's his first time seeing the Taj Mahal, or some such monument!   
Antonio grabbed Gildroy's hand and pulled him towards the building, Gildroy didn't struggle but he kept starring at the building. Antonio then pulled open the door and thrust him inside.   
Inside the building, there were rows and rows of bottles of every shape, size, and color. Gildroy's Hair Color Tonic (dye your hair any color of the rainbow!), Gildroy's Golden Locks Shampoo and Conditioner, Gildroy's Magical Moose, Gildroy's Sleeker Than Sleek Hair Rejuvenator, and NEW! from the line of Gildroy's hair care products: Gildroy's (Never Loose Your Hair) Gel. Next to the large display for Gildroy's (Never Loose Your Hair) Gel, there was muggle loud speaker (no doubt enchanted) doing demonstrations to advertise the (NEW!) product.   
"Just watch," the loud speaker articulated in a very salesman like voice, "as I rub some of this gel into this victim's.... err.... volunteer's hair and comb it through. 30 years from now, he will still have all his hair! How about that folks!"  
All the women in the crowd cheered, but the men stood there confused. "How are we supposed to know if this gel really works?" One of them asked.  
"Wait 30 years of course," the loud speaker replied, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.  
"30 years! I can't wait that long! I need to know now!"   
"Aww, shut up you old bag! Do you think I actually care about this damn gel? You all can go sod off, for all I care!" The loud speaker replied.  
"Excuse me--"  
"Your excused."  
"Don't you be smart with me!" The man said and he jostled through the crowd, and made a grab for the loud speaker. He wrestled it down to the ground and started pounding it with his fist. This brought the attention of the other loud speakers in the large room, and they all came flying to the aid of their comrade. All of a sudden there was pushing and shoving and hitting and slapping and punching and kicking and total CHAOS!   
In the back room, where Gildroy and Antonio were enjoying glasses of ice-cold tea, they were rudely interrupted by a loud speaker being shoved against the door and being beaten. Gildroy jumped right up and opened the door. "What is the meaning of this?!"  
And everyone (and everything) stopped and stayed frozen in their places.   
"It was that loud speaker!" The man boomed, "It was incredibly rude to me!"  
Gildroy looked at the loud speaker.   
What are you lookin' at me for?" The loud speaker stammered.  
"I think we need to talk." Gildroy said suddenly feeling very annoyed. "You know that-- employee, employer talk." Then turning to the crowd he said, "I'm very sorry about this. Everyone of you will get a free bottle of Gildroy's (Never Loose Your Hair) Gel."  
"No, that's okay." One of the men said quite shaken.  
Then the crowd left the building, leaving complete silence.   
"You, in here." Gildroy said, meaning the loud speaker.  
"Awww, come on Lockhart."   
"No, this time you aren't getting away with it." Gildroy said as he closed the door.  
Two hours later the two emerged from the room. The loud speaker with a wide smile from button to button.   
"Make sure this doesn't happen again," Lockhart whispered to Antonio at the door. "Because if the Ministry finds out about this..." he made a sideways motion with his index finger, across his neck.  
"Yes sir. I'll make sure it doesn't." Antonio said, saluting.  
"Good man!" Lockhart said with a smile. He took out his calendar once more, "Now, I have meeting with my fan club at Hogwarts. How fun!"  
"Good luck Mr. Lockhart! Have a safe trip!" They shook hands.  
"Thank you Antonio!" Lockhart said and then he instantly disapparated and appeared in the Three Broomsticks pub in Hogsmead. "Why hello Mr. Lockhart! How lovely to see you." It was Madam Rosemerta, the charming bartender. "May I tempt you with one of our delicious drinks?" "Thank you Rosemerta. I am a bit thirsty."  
And Rosemerta brought out a bottle of Mogswhitter Lite Beer, and two champagne glasses, and they both engaged in a long, flirtatious discussion.  
Three hours later, Gildroy finally became aware of the time. "Rosemerta, darling, I have a meeting with my fanclub at Hogwarts."  
"But Mr. Lockhart, please stay a little longer."  
"No, I'm sorry I can't, I'm already late, darling. I'll come back, I promise dear."  
"Oh, all right. See you then." Rosemerta said a little sadly.  
"Goodbye." Lockhart said with a wave. And with that he was off to Hogwarts with a wide grin on his face.   
I guess his career and success are more important to him than I am. Rosemerta thought with a sigh.  
* * * * * *  
"I don't eat meat, no dairy, no sugar, no preservatives, no..."  
"Talk about a picky eater," Alexander Lockhart muttered to his wife, Audrey Lockhart.   
Audrey elbowed Alexander in the stomach. "Alexander, behave yourself." She said impatiently. "Oh, there's the food," she said as the doorbell rang. "Coming!"   
Alexander smiled uncomfortably at the sixty-two year old Dr. Malaprop.  
"Nice hair." Dr. Malaprop grinned showing is teeth, two of which were missing.   
Alexander felt the hair on the back of his neck bristle. What hair? He thought. Then he realized Dr. Malaprop was making fun of him. Well what's it to him? He looks like he's 30, except for the missing teeth. Alexander shuddered at the thought. Well, he certainly hasn't had to put up with Gildroy Lockhart for 28 years!  
"You could use a lesson or two from your son." Dr. Malaprop continued in his scratchy, mocking voice, not caring at all that Alexander hadn't reasponded to his first comment.   
"What's up your arse?" Alexander murmured, feeling very annoyed.  
"Excuse me?"  
"Err... I said 'Would you like some eggs?'" He reached over to the end table where his Venetian table lamp glowed brightly. He opened the tin's lid and offered the contents to Dr. Malaprop.  
The doctor wrinkled his nose in disgust. Michael's Pickled Eggs he read. Who knew Gildroy's father was such a bizarre man! "I... I don't eat preservatives."  
"Oh." Alexander said awkwardly. He replaced the lid and put the tin of pickled eggs back on the end table.   
The doctor smiled to himself. Alexander found this very peculiar. Hey, the doctor thought to himself, I never knew pickled eggs came in tins! You learn something new everyday.   
"Dinner's ready." Audrey came into the parlor, where Alexander and Dr. Malaprop were sitting in silence. The expression on the doctor's face clearly showed he was enjoying himself. Alexander just looked miserable.  
"Oh, great! Let's start!" Alexander jumped right up, but stopped as soon as he saw the look on his wife's face. "Er... would you like to begin doctor?"  
The doctor studied his face for a moment, his eyes lingering on Alexander's extensive shiny, bald forehead. "That would be a good idea. I'm famished!"  
The three walked into the formal dining room, and began their dinner. Alexander was grateful for the food in more than one way. It kept the doctor from making comments about his head.   
After dessert, the doctor, Audrey, and Alexander had coffee in the sitting room, when the door burst open.   
"Mummy! I'm home!"  
"Pudding! Back so soon?" Audrey set her coffee down to go help her son at the door.  
"Well, err... they had a little accident, so the fanclub meeting was cut short."  
"Well, come on in. The doctor and your father and I just finished dinner."  
"Oh, that's all right, I already a-- did you say the doctor?"  
"Yes, pudding. Let me take your robes."  
"Dr. Malaprop?"  
"Yes."  
"Gildroy! Come here son!" Dr. Malaprop exploded from the sitting room.  
"Mummy!" Gildroy groaned.  
"Come Gildy, we invited the doctor for dinner. Say hello to him. After all, you wouldn't be here if it weren't for his ingenious."  
"But mummy--" Gildroy groaned again.  
"No buts!" Audrey reminded him.  
"Gildroy!" The doctor exclaimed.   
Gildroy looked helplessly at his mother, while suffocating in the doctor's tight embrace. It reminded him of his painful past. Three years in a malodorous basement, with nothing to eat but stale biscuits; and no company but Dr. Malaprop and his guinea pigs. His mother and father had forced him, (not that he had any say about what was to be done with himself), to go through Dr. Malaprop's memory replacement therapy. The three years of therapy had worked, but every time he heard the doctor's name, the horrifying nightmares came back to him. It all seemed like it happened yesterday, the memories all too fresh in his mind. Finally the doctor let go of him. Gildroy breathed a sigh of relief.  
"Gildroy! How are you?" The doctor asked him, holding him out at arms length. "I've missed you down at the lab!"  
"Err... I've missed you too." Gildroy murmured to the ground.  
"What's that?" The doctor yelled, "Got a bad ear."  
"I said 'I've missed you too.'" Gildroy grumbled.  
The doctor smiled at him in a fatherly sort of way. Gildroy looked at the floor. "You know, I've been thinking." The doctor continued.  
"That's a first."  
"What's that?"  
"Nothing."  
"We've spent three years together, and... well, like I said I've missed you. I've thought about this and..."  
Gildroy couldn't stand the suspense. "What? What have you been thinking?!"  
"Would you like to be my assistant at my lab in Bulgaria?" The doctor said finally.  
"What?" Gildroy had expected that.  
"My assistant. I'm getting old, and I'm in need of help." There was a loud crack from the doctor's elbow, as if his elbow agreed with him. "There, you see. My bones are getting old."  
"But doctor..."   
"Yes?"  
"I...I..." How do I put this? Gildroy thought. "I'm sorry, I can't. I... er... promised Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts, that I'd return as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor."  
The doctor looked disappointed. "Ahh, well, I understand. A busy young man like you has no time to waste with crackpot doctors in musty labs."  
"Oh, no! It's not that!" Gildroy argued, but the doctor motioned with his hand that there was to be no more talking.   
"It's time I retired to my basement." He said. He then turned to Audrey, "Thank you, darling for the dinner, it was marvelous!"   
"Thank you for coming!" Audrey replied.  
The doctor turned to Alexander. He grinned, showing the empty spaces where two teeth should have been. Alexander flinched. He then walked to the door, and picked up his bag. "Good luck Gildroy." The doctor said with a wink, and disapperated.  
Gildroy, Alexander, and Audrey looked at each other. "Oh Lordy!"   
  
A/N: There you are! We both thought this would be fun to write, and enjoyed the process of writing it! We'd love to hear what you think, any comments, suggestions, and what you didn't like. It's all welcome. And if you want more, based on what the reviews say, we'll both continue this. Tell us what you want to happen next, we'll take all things in to consideration! Hope you enjoyed it!   
  
  
  



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